Same Pain Different Day

I didn't realize it had been 9 months since my last blog entry. Not that I have any followers on here, but the blogging, and journaling, and writing was very therapeutic to the soul. At the same time, not much has changed so I didn't see the need in writing an entry very often but I think enough time has gone by to bring you up to speed on what’s going on. Since my last entry in July, I was true to what I said about taking a break from treatments and going to counseling. I took a break from treatments from July to December just to not have the stress of calculating days and ovulation and appointments and all that stuff that can get one pretty stressed out (and stress is something someone doesn’t need if they’re trying to get pregnant). In the back of my mind though I kept thinking to myself, I got pregnant naturally the first time without any treatment or help so maybe it will happen again. Of course it didn’t, but the freedom of not having to worry about any of that was very nice. I also did go to counseling. I met with a young and new Christian counselor who was still trying to figure things out I think and didn’t have much experience in the grieving aspect of counseling so unfortunately it wasn’t very beneficial. But God did send me 2 angels during this no treatment season. The first was my pastor’s wife. She shared with me after my miscarriage that she has had to miscarriages as well. The second miscarriage was actually an ectopic pregnancy which means she had a baby forming in her fallopian tubes. Babies cannot survive that so she had to have surgery to remove the baby. During the surgery the doctors saw that there was so much scar tissue around the fallopian tubes that they had to remove them, meaning she could no longer have children. She met with me and shared her story which was so encouraging to me. She related to the same place of hurt and confusion that I was in and how I was angry at God and didn’t feel like praying or being in His Word. She shared in the same inclination of seeing other women continue to get pregnant with no problem and wishing that was her. This coming from such a strong woman of faith and knowing she struggled with this too was definitely encouraging. She shared something with me that touched a very dark place in my heart. When I shared with her that I had no desire to be in God’s Word, she agreed that she felt that way too, but I need to do it anyway. Even if that does means going through the motions, every drop of water will eventually fill up the bucket. So right now in this moment it may not seem like anything is changing. I may not feel God with me but I may look back years from now and see how far God has brought me from where I was, so push through it and just keep at it. Such simple words, but something I needed to hear in that moment which has made me very grateful for this special friendship with her. The second angel God sent me was a lady I had attended church with and watched her children on several occasions. She shared with my mom that she has PCOS as well and had done research on natural ways to take control and manage PCOS instead of it just taking over your life. So she reached out to me and I met with her and she just went over tons of information about what the real cause of PCOS is and things that can aggravate it. The main way to control this is by the things I put in my body. Gluten, dairy, and soy play a huge role in disturbing and disrupting the hormones in my body. Also the body products I use and cleaners and plastics, even makeup can have an effect! I was so thankful to her for reaching out to me and caring in that way to share in her struggle and help me get through it as well. So literally the next day I got all new body products and cleaners and food containers and became gluten, dairy, and soy free. It was definitely an adjustment to go from eating things that I didn’t even know were necessarily hurting me and things I’ve eaten all my life, to a very precise and strict diet. I stuck to this diet hard core for 4 months, hardly cheating and thinking of the end result of getting a normal cycle, ovulating and ultimately getting pregnant. Unfortunately, it didn’t help me in that way. I got very healthy and lost weight, but my cycles were still out of whack and I was not ovulating on my own. It was very frustrating and discouraging. All the work I had put into making myself healthy and regular and it still didn’t work. All in all it’s been a battle. In December I went back on treatments for my infertility. I’m at the most aggressive treatment my doctor can give me. I’ve already done 2 cycles of giving myself a hormone shot once a day for a week, doing blood work to see where my hormone levels are, give myself another shot to trigger the eggs, then have a procedure where the doctor puts Dane’s sperm into my cervix as close to my uterus as possible (sorry tmi!!). I have 2 more cycles of this. After the 4th cycle if it is unsuccessful then that is all my doctor can do for me. My next and basically final option is paying out of pocket for IVF which is $15,000. Lots and lots of money, but a procedure that is much more successful than anything I have done so far. I’m praying that God will give me a clear answer on the right time to do IVF but we know it is something we will eventually do if this treatment now doesn’t work. I decided to share all this today because it has been a year today that Dane and I lost our baby. A lot has happened in this past year, a lot of soul searching and healing and praying. A lot of hurt and confusion and frustration and anger. There are days where I feel better and hopeful and there are days where I want to scream and give up and just be done with all of this. But when I don’t have hope, my family and Dane and friends have hope for me. I honestly am just as unsure about God’s plan in allowing me to have a baby as I was when I had my miscarriage, but I know that His ways are better than my ways and His plans are better than my plans and whether or not I like that right now, that’s how it is. So until my next entry, thank you for reading and caring about mine and Dane’s journey and thank you for praying that our desire to have a baby will become a reality. Love you all