Good Break

After a nice break from social media, I've decided to slowly and carefully join back into the cyber world. This has actually been a really great break for me. And let's talk about why I felt the need to take a break in the first place. After my miscarriage I kept going on Instagram and Facebook quite often and I started noticing just a lot of pregnant women and new babies. At that point it was something just not healthy for me to see. If an alcoholic was trying to quit drinking, seeing pictures of people drinking probably wouldn't help in their journey to sobriety. I just thought to myself, "If I want to be at peace with this miscarriage then social media is probably not the best thing for me right now." The constant reminder of me losing my baby came up every time I saw a newborn or pregnant woman. If any of you read this and are in one of those categories, please don't feel guilty. You want to share your happiness with the world and I totally understand that! When it happens to me I will be right there too, and I hold no bitterness or anger toward you. It was just too painful at the time. And let's be completely honest, it still is painful at times. Time is healing my heart and I don't catch myself thinking about it as often, but it still comes up and it still hurts when I let myself go to that place.

So now Dane and I are trying again to have a baby. This is my second month of fertility treatments since my miscarriage and I have decided that if the treatments don't work this month then I am going to take a break from treatments for a while. After a year of going through treatments and being unsuccessful ( for the most part ) it takes a toll emotionally and at this point I just can't afford to get my hopes up again. I need time to truly heal from this and get ready for quite possibly a long journey to parenthood. I also need to get right with God. I am going to be very transparent right now. After the miscarriage I have harbored so much anger towards God. I don't want to read my Bible or pray to Him because I am just so confused and hurt that He would allow this to happen. In my mind I still don't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take the baby away from me. So those are things that I have to work out with God and I am thinking and considering going to counseling just so I can get all these thoughts and feelings out and have a verbal response.

So that's about it. No crazy update, just letting you know you will see me every so often on social media but with the break I have realized how attached I was to it to begin with. So it was definitely a healthy thing for me. But if you think about it, please pray that I won't have anger toward God and that He will give me peace about the miscarriage. Love you guy and thank you for your continued love and support and prayers.

Something I never thought would happen

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to share and it's something I honestly never thought I would experience. This past week I went through a miscarriage. The Lord blessed me with being able to carry a life inside me for 6 weeks, and sadly that journey has ended. Experiencing a loss like this is something no one can ever prepare for, and for those women who were brave enough to share with me previously that you have gone through a miscarriage, I am truly sorry.

Being pregnant was the most wonderful feeling in the world (besides the nausea literally 24/7). The fact that Dane and I had been trying for 3 years and that it finally happened was just an unexplainable feeling. The more unbelievable part was that I actually got pregnant naturally, with not fertility treatments or medicines. We were thinking of names for our baby, planning on where we would put the crib in our tiny one bedroom home, and just dreamt about our future with the new little life we had created. Then April 10th I had an ultrasound that changed everything.

2 weeks prior to that I had an ultrasound that showed the baby's heartbeat. It was such an amazing thing. The doctor was worried though because the baby was measuring smaller than it should have been. Because of that, she wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. I wanted to be cautious, but I was just so happy! We had a heartbeat and I could actually see the baby forming inside me! As the days went on though, I tried not to think about it, but the thought did come up. What if something really is wrong? April 10th came and there I was, looking at the doctor's face as she studied the monitor. I knew it wasn't good. She told us the baby's heart had stopped beating and it hadn't grown since the last time I was in, 2 weeks ago. Dane was with me at that appointment which was a comfort. We cried on the way home and for the next 3 days. It broke my heart to see Dane like that because I know how much he wants to be a dad.

We were and still are very angry and just didn't understand why God would put us through this torture? We have tried and prayed for 3 years for this and then it was taken away so suddenly. We don't know why God allowed this and we probably never will. But we do have hope. The fact that I got pregnant naturally and with no help is a huge hope for us. It showed us that it is possible. We are holding on tightly to that hope. I' not sharing this to get attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I'm hoping for the opposite actually. I'm sharing this because I started this blog to tell people about my story with infertility and I know there are so many people who have been praying for me and Dane. We share this and ask for continued prayer. That God will give us comfort and closure and a new trust in Him because at this point we honestly don't have much of it.

We thank you in advance for your prayers. You don't know how much it will help us get through this, and we thank you for investing your time in this journey Dane and I are on. Knowing we have the love and support is something we can never say thank you for enough. I will continue to keep you updated on our journey as things pick up again. We still have hope that God will bless Dane and me with the family we desire and have prayed for, but as always, it is in His timing. Much love to you all. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

Changes

Well since my November update, a few things have changed. Dane and I got our insurance back into affect on Dec 1 and I was able to go and see the dr that week. When I went to make the payment for my visit and ultrasound of my ovaries my co-pay was $10!!! Can you believe it? Through Dane's old insurance I was spending $140 every 2 weeks excluding any prescriptions. I had to ask again and again if that was correct and she said yes it is only $10. Well of course I started crying! Finances with fertility can be a huge added strain and stress on top of the medical issue I already have so this was such a blessing!! But during the same appt I found out that one of my cysts had grown from 2cm to 10cm. Because of that I wasn't able to do any treatment for the month of December. I was super disappointed. I went from great news to sucky news. So I decided that for that month I would go back to my Metformin that I had from previous months and just cut down on the daily dose since it was making me feel so horrible before. I had my last appt on January 3rd and praise God my cyst went back down to 2 cm. The dr and I were very pleased to see that. She said she typically likes seeing cysts smaller than that but because of the huge difference, she felt comfortable with me continuing with the treatment. So I am back to giving myself a shot today (thursday) and then a week from today. That following monday I will have another ultrasound (which will only be $10!!!) and if there is an egg that has been released then I can continue with the artificial insemenation. We will get into that another time :|

Another change that has happened is I am on a new eating lifestyle this month called whole30. This is where for 30 days you eat nothing but meat, veggies, and fruit. No added sugars, no grains, wheats, beans, dairy, or hormonally added or processed foods. It has been difficult because I love my cocoa crispies in the morning and my chocolate chips cookies and candy at night. It is so crazy though to see how many foods have added sugars in them. So it is a very strict diet, but I am doing it because many women who have suffered with PCOS did whole30 and after time their cysts went away and they were able to conceive. This way of eating takes all the bad stuff that is in your body and takes it away and kind of resets your system. I am only on day 5 right now and so far so good. Of course I have the small cravings for bread and sugar and sweet tea, but I have a different reason for doing this besides losing weight. It is to help with having a baby so I'm all in on this! We will see what happens at the end of the 30 days though. I may be a crazy person deprived of such heavenly foods, or a I may decide to continue with it. One day at a time.

Well that is all for now! Thanks for taking the time to read this and continue to pray for us and this journey we are on. It's getting more difficult as the months go on but Dane and I pray daily that we will continue to trust God and not be bitter toward Him or others that are pregnant. Love you all and until next time, God Bless!