Good Break

After a nice break from social media, I've decided to slowly and carefully join back into the cyber world. This has actually been a really great break for me. And let's talk about why I felt the need to take a break in the first place. After my miscarriage I kept going on Instagram and Facebook quite often and I started noticing just a lot of pregnant women and new babies. At that point it was something just not healthy for me to see. If an alcoholic was trying to quit drinking, seeing pictures of people drinking probably wouldn't help in their journey to sobriety. I just thought to myself, "If I want to be at peace with this miscarriage then social media is probably not the best thing for me right now." The constant reminder of me losing my baby came up every time I saw a newborn or pregnant woman. If any of you read this and are in one of those categories, please don't feel guilty. You want to share your happiness with the world and I totally understand that! When it happens to me I will be right there too, and I hold no bitterness or anger toward you. It was just too painful at the time. And let's be completely honest, it still is painful at times. Time is healing my heart and I don't catch myself thinking about it as often, but it still comes up and it still hurts when I let myself go to that place.

So now Dane and I are trying again to have a baby. This is my second month of fertility treatments since my miscarriage and I have decided that if the treatments don't work this month then I am going to take a break from treatments for a while. After a year of going through treatments and being unsuccessful ( for the most part ) it takes a toll emotionally and at this point I just can't afford to get my hopes up again. I need time to truly heal from this and get ready for quite possibly a long journey to parenthood. I also need to get right with God. I am going to be very transparent right now. After the miscarriage I have harbored so much anger towards God. I don't want to read my Bible or pray to Him because I am just so confused and hurt that He would allow this to happen. In my mind I still don't understand why God would allow me to get pregnant in the first place if He was just going to take the baby away from me. So those are things that I have to work out with God and I am thinking and considering going to counseling just so I can get all these thoughts and feelings out and have a verbal response.

So that's about it. No crazy update, just letting you know you will see me every so often on social media but with the break I have realized how attached I was to it to begin with. So it was definitely a healthy thing for me. But if you think about it, please pray that I won't have anger toward God and that He will give me peace about the miscarriage. Love you guy and thank you for your continued love and support and prayers.